30. Stripped.
Well, yesterday was one of the days that I’ve been thinking about for a while. Dreading, even. Something that’s been difficult for me to both comprehend and appreciate.
I turned thirty.
For the preceding weeks, it’s felt like a suffocatingly toxic and horrendous event that’s happened that took me by complete surprise.
But in reflecting, it finally came to me…I accept it. And here’s why:
While 30 years is quite a long time to learn lessons (and trust me, I have), I think each experience gives you a different set of rules to live by. In my 10,950 days, I have done amazing things, wonderful, beautiful, selfless things.
And, I’ve done some things that I’m not so proud of (though I’ve got one hell of a decent set of funny stories, if you see the humor in the lessons learned)…
Like the time I accidentally set my stepdad’s brand new truck on fire (actually my best friend at the time, but I took the blame!)
Or, the time I snuck out of the house, only to fall from the roof so hard I thought I broke both of my legs (more concerned, as I laid in the driveway, about my mother finding me than the actual condition of my legs…)
I’ve had a life and experiences that I could never talk about here in such a public forum, and if I did, you might not even believe me. Those are for me and those closest to me.
I’m not an ordinary girl, I’ve not lived an ordinary life, and I’ve never done things “by the book.”
But, I wouldn’t change one thing about me, or what I’ve seen and done.
I’ve learned a lot as I’ve aged, and many lessons of my childhood stick with me, but I’ve learned those lessons through experience.
I learned that honesty is always the right thing, but that it’s equally as important to realize you’ve done wrong, and being big enough to admit it. I also learned that children do not have filters, nor should they ever be your accomplice in any form of dishonesty. If you don’t want the world to know something, don’t tell your kid. This lesson was taught to me at age 4. My mom allowed me to have a kitten, even though at the time we were renting, and pets weren’t allowed. Our landlord Debbie came to check on something, and my mother hid the cat underneath a toy box, telling me to be sure not to mention this information while she was there. Debbie had no sooner walked through the door when I helpfully informed her that we “Do NOT have a cat. Especially not in the playroom, underneath the toybox.”
I’ve learned that sometimes, you don’t have a response, even though you always seem to think the perfect one up later. This lesson was taught to me at age 24, when my son asked my ex-husband for a beer, to which he answered that “Someday, when he grows up, they would drink one together.” At the auto dealership a week later, when the secretary told Cam just how cute he was, asking his age, and what he wants to do when he grows up, that lack of immediate/appropriate response sometimes haunts you for days, as I sat there, speechless, mouth open, when he answered “I’m going to drink beer with my dad!”
I’ve learned that intellect is more important than beauty, 100% of the time, as is treating people with humanity and respect. Teaching my beautiful children this is one of the most crucial things I hope to achieve as their Mommy.
I’ve learned that, 100% of the time, you HAVE to trust your gut…even/especially about people you’re close with, and your “friends.”
I’ve learned that if you’ve got nothing nice to say, dont say it at all.
I’ve learned that sometimes, you simply cannot defend yourself, your name, your honor, or your reputation. That ones been a very hard pill for me to swallow over the years, as I’ve oftentimes been misunderstood, and my insecurities with that remain, but I am more confident and self-aware of who I am and who I want to be, based on those perceptions of who I am (and who I’m not).
I have always lived by the motto of NULLUM DESIDERIUM…no regrets
…but, I regret not spending more time with my mother before she died. My reasons were based on denial, because I was in denial until the end how grave her condition actually was. I go back to that time so frequently, and I often talk aloud to her, hoping somehow she can hear me, asking her for forgiveness, though she would never ever have asked me for that. With that being said, no matter how loud I scream, cry, or shout to her, the sensible and scientific part of me says she can’t hear me, while the spiritual side of me says she can.
I’ve learned that in our society, just because you were in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g, it rarely means that next comes love, then comes marriage. It also doesn’t mean that love plus marriage equals a baby in a baby carriage. There are so many varieties of that equation this day in age.
I’ve learned love doesn’t always follow a perfect route, and when it’s “perfect,” no matter how true, it’s not always “perfect”
On the topic of love, becoming a mother has shown me that there’s “love”…and then there’s LOVE.
My husband has taught me so many lessons in that department…real love, true love, a real relationship, trust, honesty, comfort, compatibility, and that good guys truly exist. He is kind, quiet and gentle a majority of the time, and aggressive when he needs to be, fighting only for the things that matter most. He is the definition of what every girl hopes for their entire lives, what I hoped for my entire life.
Spending time with other peoples’ children makes me realize just how good of a job I’ve done, and how lucky I am. If there is one thing I’m confident as, it’s my parenting. That does not mean I’m perfect-quite the contrary- but, I’m a damn good mother, and I’ve got amazing children.
I’m really big into symbolism, and I’m quite annoyingly superstitious. I hate getting e-mail forwards, because I am that sucker that always wonders if I should send it (and stupidly, opening it). I then have an inner battle, because I don’t want to pass it along and have someone else face that fear (plus, they’re downright obnoxious), but I also don’t want whatever bad thing said to happen, to happen to me.
If I could have anything in the world that I wanted (physical), I wouldn’t be able to decide.
I LOVE the holidays, and the magical feel of it all. I love that my 2 kids and my stepson all still believe. I love the cookie-baking, family-visiting, gift-wrapping, balsam-scented days, the Christmas eve snowfall, the hot cocoa with my kids (with a splash of Bailey’s in mine when they’re in bed).
I truly believe I am in the prime of my life, and I savor the soccer and dance schedules, the dirty socks between couch cusions, and I know someday, I will miss my babies being home, I’ll miss this time.
I’ve learned that when I go out to eat, I rarely order something straight off the menu, the way it comes. I’m not picky (like, not at all), but I try hard to eat supportively, and omit and substitute as I see fit. I truly annoy my husband in doing this, but he laughs anyway.
I have this (sometimes annoying) tendency to want to please EVERYBODY, which spills into my life constantly when I’m offering to bake 100 cookies for both of my kids classrooms, work, bring the kids to a dentist appointment, and give a presentation at work all in the same afternoon. I have a vivid memory of this even as a child. I was blowdrying my hair for the frst time in my life, and since my Mom did it every day, I was so happy to do it myself (both for independence, sure, but also so that my mom could tend to other things in the mornings). I was 3 or 4, and my brother was 2 or 3, and I remember he walked by and his diaper had fallen off, and so my mother walked out of the bathroom to help him, turning her attentive proud eye away from me, and onto my sibling. I think that’s the moment where I developed that side of me I battle with regularly, the sensitivity if I’m trying to please someone and something outside of my control happens and thwarts that. I am a pleaser, no doubt, and when things don’t go precisely as I envisioned, I get sensitive about it.
I’ve learned that, while there’s nothing more I’d rather do than IGNORE and avoid my telephone (I hate talking on the phone), there is a sense of familiarity that is lost in text and email. Tone and intonation is also lost/misread in translation, and so I believe in talking to people 1:1 as much as possible.
In my 30 years, half of them have been spent driving. My best driving lessons weren’t with the driver’s ed teacher on the main roads, no. I learned the best lessons driving around in back fields with my Grampa as he screamed at me (from atop a haybale, in the back of the truck) to keep my left foot off the brake, and use my right for both, as we collected the bales on hot July days. My mother wouldn’t let me get my license until I knew how to change/check my own oil, could drive a manual transmission, and could change my own tire. At the time it made me horribly annoyed, but I’ll do the same with my two. She showed me the basics of driving a stick shift, teaching me all I ever needed to know in exactly one half mile, before muttering as we switched seats that her transmission was now ruined, and proceeded to never again ride in a car with me again until I was well in my 20’s. Nor will I forget that my stepfather was the only one who would actually take me on the roads when I had my permit, in his calm, cool, 1:1 way. He would calmly and quietly allow me to drive around back roads in an old beat up truck with MY favorite radio station playing (albeit it had a steering wheel that went almost a quarter turn around, before it actually had any effect on the direction that the vehicles’ wheels went), giving me only the information I needed to know to learn, and nothing more.
A couple of huge lessons on marriage I learned from my grandmother, who was married for almost 50 years until my Grampa died 2 Decembers ago. These were: 1. Stay together no matter what, and most importantly (as she backed her car into a fence turning around, telling me not to tell my Grandfather since no one and nothing was hurt)…2. Not everything that could cause an issue needs be disclosed. Battles should be chosen.
The prospect of turning 30 has been something I’ve been dreading for….well, years. I’m not sure what part of the “30 pill” has been so hard to swallow, except that I’ve felt that I’m essentially losing my youth. But, after going through it, I realize, it’s just a part of life. Another lesson to learn, another 2nd story window to jump out of, another brand new truck to burn down, another fence to back into. Just another step in this walk of life.
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MikeMoffit
One word Nedah: beautiful
Well Said…and happy birthday! XoXo
Thank you, made me a bit more retrospective of my life and I am heading closer to 40! which I am terrified of!
Very well written and made me retrospective too and maybe a bit teary eyed and like Diane Tinsley I am closing in on 40. Thanks for sharing!
Great job Nedah!!!